When A Loved One Has A Mental Illness

In 2016, I was diagnosed with chronic depression.

Almost everyone I have shared that with has responded with confusion or shock, which I totally understand. Overall, I’m a pretty happy-go-lucky person, and my life is honestly going pretty well. I have a job I absolutely love. I have a solid friend group and good relationships with my parents and my sisters. I don’t have anything to complain about, really.

But sometimes my brain decides that none of that is true. 

While I know and trust that God is powerful enough to take away my depression at any time, I also accept living with a mental illness is my reality right now. Instead of miraculous healing, He’s blessed me when an amazing doctor who helped me find the right medication and dosage and the best therapist I could ask for. He’s also used my experiences to teach me how to ask for help and to share hope with those around me. I can’t explain how amazing it is when I tell someone that I take medication or see a therapist. It’s almost like you can see the weight fall off their shoulders when they say, “Wait? You too?”

Statistics At A Glance

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and while I feel like most of us are aware of mental health and the impact it has on our daily lives, I think we lose sight of how much mental illnesses affect the lives of those around us--and often, we might not be aware of the silent battles our loved ones are facing.

In 2019, 20.6% of adults experienced a mental illness (https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/mental-illness). In light of COVID and the social/political unrest, this number has only increased throughout 2020 and 2021. Anxiety is one of the most common mental illnesses that American’s face. This includes illnesses such as General Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, OCD, and social anxiety.

Like anxiety, there are different types of depression. As a whole, depression makes up the majority of mental health illnesses in the United States. In 2017, 7.1% of US adults reported having a Major Depressive Disorder (https://www.dbsalliance.org/education/depression/statistics). Like other mental illnesses, the effects of depression reach far more than just the person diagnosed. Depression is the leading cause of disability in the workforce and the cause of two-thirds of reported suicides. Our news headlines, especially in our current climate, tend to focus on homicides and other acts of violence, but for every two homicides, three suicides occur.

I share this information to show the likelihood that you know someone who struggles with a mental health concern. Thankfully, talking about mental health is less of a faux pas than it once was, but it’s still not something that most people will broadcast. If someone has shared their struggle with mental illness with you, know that doing so is an extreme act of trust and vulnerability. While that should be seen as an honor and privilege, it often causes uncertainty and raises the question, “But how do I help?”

Supporting Those Who Struggle

When it comes to supporting someone who struggles with mental illness, many people are worried about saying or doing the right thing. The truth is, it’s hard to know the exact right things because each person is different and is fighting a battle unique to them. Mental illness is not one-size-fits-all. What is more important is choosing to have a ton of patience and love regardless of whether you actually understand what they are going through or not. 

Because each person and situation is unique, I can’t give an accurate checklist of things to do or say. Instead, I am going to focus on two ideas: words and actions.

Words

What we say matters, regardless of the context. If you hear something often enough, you’re going to believe it. In regards to mental health, if someone hears you complaining that they’re being dramatic or acting crazy, they could start to believe that. If you make jokes about mental health, you will instantly become an unsafe person to talk to about those concerns. In my experience, it was overhearing friends saying things like, “Why don’t you listen to some emo music and cut yourself?” or “I would kill myself if…” These weren’t directed at me and were said as a joke, but when those thoughts are already running around in your head, hearing people use them jokes makes it seem like your battle isn’t an actual concern. It’s just a punch line.

The Bible tells us that our words have the power to give life or cause death (Proverbs 18:21). Every time you speak (or leave a comment on social media), you have the ability to build someone up or tear them down. This is a huge responsibility, but also a great privilege When you share encouraging, loving words with a loved one who is struggling, you lend them some of your strength to fight their hidden battles. Believe me, fighting your own head can be exhausting. When I have hard days, it’s extremely difficult to remind myself of things I know are true, and I need the help of my support system to speak those truths to me when I can’t do it on my own. It’s helpful to have a friend who will give you some positive ammunition to fight off the negative thoughts.

The bottom line is that you don’t have to know exactly what to say, just reaffirm what you know is true:

You are loved.
You are valuable.
You have a purpose.

Actions

We have all heard the phrase, “actions speak louder than words.” Personally, this is true for me when I’m struggling with my depression. 

For most of us who struggle with mental health concerns, explaining how we’re feeling or why we’re feeling that way is difficult. Plus, trying to find words can be too much to handle at certain times. On my bad days, I’m so exhausted from going to war against myself, that even thinking about talking about what’s going on mentally is unbearable. I just don’t have the emotional or mental capacity to try to explain it.

Hot tip: Just show up. It’s really that simple.

I am absolutely not a physical touch person. I am not a hugger. I am super protective of my personal space. However, on my bad days, all I really want is someone to sit close to me. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to feel someone beside me. The tangible presence of someone sitting with me helps me bring my mind back to the present, especially when it’s spiraling out of control and running in 50,000 different directions. 

A frustrating part about my depression is that I often can’t articulate or identify what I need in the moment. I know my loved ones want to support me and help in any way they can, and it’s incredibly frustrating for me when I can’t tell them what I need. To counteract that, I set up a “safety plan” of sorts ahead of time, so I’m prepared for when those days happen. It started when one of my best friends asked me what was most helpful for me during my bad days. That conversation has turned out to be huge for both of us. She knows how she can best support me, which allows her to love me like she wants to, and it makes me feel supported without the added pressure of having to communicate what I need.

The author of Ecclesiastes tells us that a person without a companion faces endless struggles, but a person who has someone in their corner always has a partner who is able to pick them back up when they fall and keep them warm when the darkness closes in (Ecclesiastes 4:8-12). Mental illness can be extremely isolating, but it is vital that those who struggle have a support system they can rely on. Like I’ve said before, there’s not an exact, right thing to do, but showing up with patience and love is more than enough.

If you’re a “fixer” and would like to have an actual thing to do that would be helpful for a loved one who is struggling, take the time to talk to them about their mental health concerns on a good day. Ask them what you can do to help them feel supported and loved, then when they are having a bad day, do those things without them having to ask. Knowing you cared enough to listen and remember what helps them is almost more important than the action itself.

Mental health is a concern for all of us, not just the few who have been diagnosed with mental illnesses. The important thing to remember is that we are all to treat everyone with loving-kindness and be an example of God’s love. Your words and actions could be what gives someone the push they need to make it through another day.